This is a great read. I'm a 64yo self-diagnosed ADHD, possibly overlapping with the autism spectrum. I really struggled with staying engaged in academics in high school and college. I just couldn't get myself to focus on what was boring material. It took me 10 years to get my undergrad degree. And it has severely hampered me in my professional life, sometimes disastrously. I loved Mel's character, loved watching her function and respond to the situations in front of her.
It was hard to read about your daughter. Especially the overlap with her gender nonconformity. I also share that experience. Trying to conform ( it was the 80s after all!) nearly killed me and led to some very destructive behaviors. Sounds like Cassie is doing well now.
Thank YOU for sharing your experience! Cassie is doing well in most respects. She takes Vyvanse, and in her workplace her particular skills are very much appreciated. But wow, did she have a horrible time in high school. I didn’t tell the whole story out of respect for her privacy (she’s completely open about her ADHD, but not about other things) but it was a terrible time (including, as for you, some very destructive behavior on her part) so I can only imagine how it was for you. She still has a lot of social anxiety outside of work, though. She works really long hours—her preference—and unfortunately, spending almost all the time on a horse farm doesn’t give her much opportunity to meet people with whom she can have intimate relationships. She’s 26, and I long for her to have that in her life. But things are SO much better than they were—a thousand times better—since she isn’t in school and doing work she loves. Thank you for your interest!!
Thank you for including my piece! ❤️ genuinely honored, and it brings me joy when people find something I wrote helpful.
I agree with you on being wary of diagnoses, and I think that RSD is more of a useful description of one of the executive function deficits of ADHD vs a separate disorder, but the nomenclature for all of this is still evolving as we learn more about it.
Dr. Mel was an excellently drawn character. I love that she probably started lots of conversations.
Your pieces were very, very helpful for me in this never-ending learning I’ve been doing. The RSD post, in particular, clicked so much into place for me. Cassie is adopted, and most people have imagined that her hyper-sensitivity to rejection and extreme self-criticism is the result of that. You know, anxieties about abandonment. Perhaps that’s part of it. But she’s been with us since birth, know that Amy was 15 when she got pregnant, and is very connected with her birth family. I’ve always thought the adoption explanation was too facile. Learning about RSD in ADHD supplied an important missing piece for me. So thanks again!!!
ADHD and trauma reactions are hard to parse out, but on top of the adoption complication, children with ADHD hear thousands more negative messages about themselves than their neurotypical peers. I imagine the double whammy of primal rejection/abandonment with the rejection sensitivity was like throwing kerosene on a blaze. My early trauma didn't help one damn bit, either.
I still struggle with the RSD of it all, but far less than I used to. The feeling will now pass, whereas before, it would take me over like a tidal wave that just kept going.
That means so much to me. And I agree!! When I imagine her growing up in Abilene, Texas (where her birth family lives), I shudder. Not because of her birth family, who are lovely. But I spent a month there with them before Cassie was born, and that’s not the most enlightened area of the country!!
Wow how enlightening and perceptive. Wish RFK would read this. Glad you got over your writers block!
A gal in my senior apartment complex reminds me of Cassie. Her spotless apartment is filled with furniture she assembled herself.. dozens of giant binders, all matching, hold categorized dvds. She seems to rearrange the furniture every month.
When I ordered a side table that needed assembly, she begged to assemble it herself. And when the huge carton containing the adult electric tricycle arrived...
I love these details!! Cassie got totally pissed at me because I got these glass water bottles with matching tops and holders and I mix-matched the tops and holders. We both laughed, but she was seriously upset by it!!
Whats really interesting is that since I live with autistic children, albeit high functioning ones, I never saw the neurodivergence in the character. I simply saw her as dealing with her issues the way she needed to, and the fact that she has an autistic sister made her more emotionally understanding about what others are going through. Now I am going to have to pay better attention during season 2.
I'm sorry that Cassie had to deal with so many people who refused to see who she was. But she has terrific parents who gave her what she needs. That is what is most important.
Listen, I have found over the 30 plus years in dealing with those who think they know about special education, or psychologists/psychiatrists who think they know autism/adhd/ or any neurodivergent issue, because they read a book at sometime in their life, that sometimes you really just need to ignore them.
I remember that when we were looking for a new psychiatrist to provide the meds my sons needed, we went to a well respected teaching hospital in our area and the doctor they saw refused to give my older son his focusing meds saying that they don't need it once they get to middle school. His reasoning was that he refused to give his child these meds when he reached middle school and even though his child didn't become a lawyer he was happy as a chef. (his exact words) So because he screwed up his own child, he wanted to screw up my sons in order to prove to himself he wasn't a moron and a horrible parent. He also messed up the script for my younger son. Accolades and honors is no proof of competency.
Meanwhile, I went to the pediatrician and he provided the needed scripts while we found a competent psychiatrist because he knew that if I said the boys needed it, they needed it.
I think its very important to find a provider that listens to you and respects who your child is as a person, and gives them what they need.
Wow, I couldn’t agree more. After she finally got to a perceptive, up-to-date therapist who immediately saw that she had ADHD and prescribed Vyvanse, things began to get better. But not really better until after she was expelled from the second high school we tried (a private school that turned out to be even less enlightened than the public high school that she hated—I’ll tell you more about how it happened in a private conversation sometime) and got her current job at a thoroughbred farm. People have such a limited idea of what is necessary to have a good life. One size doesn’t fit all.
Re. Mel: I think it’s perfectly possible and plausible to not read her as neurodivergent. She’s a character for all seasons!!
Many myths among clinicians and many phobic about prescribing "stimulants" - similar to Paxlovid massive underuse issue ... among many other dysfunctions of our medical system(s) ... my kids (adults) have benefitted from neuropsych testing, coaching, psycho therapy, meds, etc at different points in their lives ... be aware that the negative top-down effects of payor (private mostly) dynamics on healthcare are HUGE ...
My wife watches this - the roles of physicians in this are highly unrealistic and overdramatized (I'm a physician BTW) - try 24 Hours in A&E on Amazon Prime ... me and 2 adult kids "neurodivergent" ...
Many ER professionals have commented that The Pitt is incredibly realistic. Perhaps your situation is different, but I'd hesitate to base that assessment on one physician's opinion.
I’m not talking about medical factual details, I’m referring to the overly dramatic personal-organizational content with this one guy and a small entourage taking on the world - as I said, watch Amazon Prime 24 Hours in A&E or the Lennox Hill series or NYC ER and others to see MUCH greater realism as contrasted to fictionalized drama.
Oh! Are those shows documentaries? If so, I don’t think it’s appropriate to compare them to a dramatic series. Fiction of any sort depends on building and focusing on particular characters. Some documentaries do too. But it sounds like the shows you are recommending (and that I definitely want to see) are ian entirely different genre from “The Pitt.”
Check out the plethora of very good Amazon Prime UK docs on ERs, ambulances, hospitals, air ambulances, police, all extremely well done and with much humanism, drama, compassion, life stories, personal histories, how each event evolved, also there is much less display of hierarchy or status - more real than this over-touted HBO show, and you will learn a lot more (they show the real thing) ...
I’ll check that show out, but I have to say that the physicians I’ve talked to or posted comments on The Pitt have all said it’s the most realistic medical series they’ve seen.
This is a great read. I'm a 64yo self-diagnosed ADHD, possibly overlapping with the autism spectrum. I really struggled with staying engaged in academics in high school and college. I just couldn't get myself to focus on what was boring material. It took me 10 years to get my undergrad degree. And it has severely hampered me in my professional life, sometimes disastrously. I loved Mel's character, loved watching her function and respond to the situations in front of her.
It was hard to read about your daughter. Especially the overlap with her gender nonconformity. I also share that experience. Trying to conform ( it was the 80s after all!) nearly killed me and led to some very destructive behaviors. Sounds like Cassie is doing well now.
Thank you for sharing all of this.
Thank YOU for sharing your experience! Cassie is doing well in most respects. She takes Vyvanse, and in her workplace her particular skills are very much appreciated. But wow, did she have a horrible time in high school. I didn’t tell the whole story out of respect for her privacy (she’s completely open about her ADHD, but not about other things) but it was a terrible time (including, as for you, some very destructive behavior on her part) so I can only imagine how it was for you. She still has a lot of social anxiety outside of work, though. She works really long hours—her preference—and unfortunately, spending almost all the time on a horse farm doesn’t give her much opportunity to meet people with whom she can have intimate relationships. She’s 26, and I long for her to have that in her life. But things are SO much better than they were—a thousand times better—since she isn’t in school and doing work she loves. Thank you for your interest!!
A perfect Sunday read. 🥰
Thank you so much, Abbi! You were so sweet during my “stiff” time, and are always so generous with your praise. Never met you but I love you grrl!
Right back atcha!
Thank you for including my piece! ❤️ genuinely honored, and it brings me joy when people find something I wrote helpful.
I agree with you on being wary of diagnoses, and I think that RSD is more of a useful description of one of the executive function deficits of ADHD vs a separate disorder, but the nomenclature for all of this is still evolving as we learn more about it.
Dr. Mel was an excellently drawn character. I love that she probably started lots of conversations.
Your pieces were very, very helpful for me in this never-ending learning I’ve been doing. The RSD post, in particular, clicked so much into place for me. Cassie is adopted, and most people have imagined that her hyper-sensitivity to rejection and extreme self-criticism is the result of that. You know, anxieties about abandonment. Perhaps that’s part of it. But she’s been with us since birth, know that Amy was 15 when she got pregnant, and is very connected with her birth family. I’ve always thought the adoption explanation was too facile. Learning about RSD in ADHD supplied an important missing piece for me. So thanks again!!!
ADHD and trauma reactions are hard to parse out, but on top of the adoption complication, children with ADHD hear thousands more negative messages about themselves than their neurotypical peers. I imagine the double whammy of primal rejection/abandonment with the rejection sensitivity was like throwing kerosene on a blaze. My early trauma didn't help one damn bit, either.
I still struggle with the RSD of it all, but far less than I used to. The feeling will now pass, whereas before, it would take me over like a tidal wave that just kept going.
And PS - Cassie is lucky to have you.
That means so much to me. And I agree!! When I imagine her growing up in Abilene, Texas (where her birth family lives), I shudder. Not because of her birth family, who are lovely. But I spent a month there with them before Cassie was born, and that’s not the most enlightened area of the country!!
Wow how enlightening and perceptive. Wish RFK would read this. Glad you got over your writers block!
A gal in my senior apartment complex reminds me of Cassie. Her spotless apartment is filled with furniture she assembled herself.. dozens of giant binders, all matching, hold categorized dvds. She seems to rearrange the furniture every month.
When I ordered a side table that needed assembly, she begged to assemble it herself. And when the huge carton containing the adult electric tricycle arrived...
I love these details!! Cassie got totally pissed at me because I got these glass water bottles with matching tops and holders and I mix-matched the tops and holders. We both laughed, but she was seriously upset by it!!
Whats really interesting is that since I live with autistic children, albeit high functioning ones, I never saw the neurodivergence in the character. I simply saw her as dealing with her issues the way she needed to, and the fact that she has an autistic sister made her more emotionally understanding about what others are going through. Now I am going to have to pay better attention during season 2.
I'm sorry that Cassie had to deal with so many people who refused to see who she was. But she has terrific parents who gave her what she needs. That is what is most important.
Listen, I have found over the 30 plus years in dealing with those who think they know about special education, or psychologists/psychiatrists who think they know autism/adhd/ or any neurodivergent issue, because they read a book at sometime in their life, that sometimes you really just need to ignore them.
I remember that when we were looking for a new psychiatrist to provide the meds my sons needed, we went to a well respected teaching hospital in our area and the doctor they saw refused to give my older son his focusing meds saying that they don't need it once they get to middle school. His reasoning was that he refused to give his child these meds when he reached middle school and even though his child didn't become a lawyer he was happy as a chef. (his exact words) So because he screwed up his own child, he wanted to screw up my sons in order to prove to himself he wasn't a moron and a horrible parent. He also messed up the script for my younger son. Accolades and honors is no proof of competency.
Meanwhile, I went to the pediatrician and he provided the needed scripts while we found a competent psychiatrist because he knew that if I said the boys needed it, they needed it.
I think its very important to find a provider that listens to you and respects who your child is as a person, and gives them what they need.
Wow, I couldn’t agree more. After she finally got to a perceptive, up-to-date therapist who immediately saw that she had ADHD and prescribed Vyvanse, things began to get better. But not really better until after she was expelled from the second high school we tried (a private school that turned out to be even less enlightened than the public high school that she hated—I’ll tell you more about how it happened in a private conversation sometime) and got her current job at a thoroughbred farm. People have such a limited idea of what is necessary to have a good life. One size doesn’t fit all.
Re. Mel: I think it’s perfectly possible and plausible to not read her as neurodivergent. She’s a character for all seasons!!
Many myths among clinicians and many phobic about prescribing "stimulants" - similar to Paxlovid massive underuse issue ... among many other dysfunctions of our medical system(s) ... my kids (adults) have benefitted from neuropsych testing, coaching, psycho therapy, meds, etc at different points in their lives ... be aware that the negative top-down effects of payor (private mostly) dynamics on healthcare are HUGE ...
Agree. Cassie takes Vyvanse now, and it’s very helpful. Psychotherapy was not helpful for her, but the right job and the right meds have been.
Good show. Makes many thoughtful points without shoving it down our throats or obsessive virtue signaling.
My wife watches this - the roles of physicians in this are highly unrealistic and overdramatized (I'm a physician BTW) - try 24 Hours in A&E on Amazon Prime ... me and 2 adult kids "neurodivergent" ...
Many ER professionals have commented that The Pitt is incredibly realistic. Perhaps your situation is different, but I'd hesitate to base that assessment on one physician's opinion.
Sorry, I didn’t see this and basically said exactly what you did!!
I’m not talking about medical factual details, I’m referring to the overly dramatic personal-organizational content with this one guy and a small entourage taking on the world - as I said, watch Amazon Prime 24 Hours in A&E or the Lennox Hill series or NYC ER and others to see MUCH greater realism as contrasted to fictionalized drama.
Oh! Are those shows documentaries? If so, I don’t think it’s appropriate to compare them to a dramatic series. Fiction of any sort depends on building and focusing on particular characters. Some documentaries do too. But it sounds like the shows you are recommending (and that I definitely want to see) are ian entirely different genre from “The Pitt.”
Check out the plethora of very good Amazon Prime UK docs on ERs, ambulances, hospitals, air ambulances, police, all extremely well done and with much humanism, drama, compassion, life stories, personal histories, how each event evolved, also there is much less display of hierarchy or status - more real than this over-touted HBO show, and you will learn a lot more (they show the real thing) ...
I’ll check that show out, but I have to say that the physicians I’ve talked to or posted comments on The Pitt have all said it’s the most realistic medical series they’ve seen.